Quick note on my fantasy team

Tonight my fantasy baseball team began the night with a home run from Brandon Phillips, and a home run from Adam Dunn. A nice start.

Since that moment, they're 0 for 13 and now just 2 for 15 on the night (.133).

For the season they're hitting .236 now. This is a fantasy baseball team we're talking about here. To think I could have almost lined up any team in baseball's realm and hit better than a team of perennial All-Stars is managing. Fuck fantasy baseball. Fuck Horses!

Might as well call this a fuckin' cleaning day!

I get home from work to find that Yovani Gallardo is out for the season courtesy of a torn ACL. This coupled with the fact that Jorge Posada is on the DL and Troy Tulowitzski is out until the All-Star break has completely buried a well-built fantasy squad, one of the best I thought I'd ever assembled. I decided to make a couple drastic moves. I cut Troy T. and Yovani Gallardo.

I'd just like to thank these two men that I paid so very dearly for in my fantasy draft for their contributions they made to my team in the short time they were around. Everyone was loving these two especially when I picked them. I knew that it just didn't feel like a 'me' type of pick, you know. So Troy T, you little prick; thanks for the 1 HR and .150-something average. Thanks for being a bust, shitbag. I'll have the same amount of enjoyment every night watching Khalil Greene suck ass as I did you, except I didn't have to pay dearly for Khalil Greene. Anyone can have Khalil Greene.

Yovani, same goes to you; you son of a bitch. Three measley starts. You had to go and run your dumb ass into that Cubs player didn't you? Stupid fuck. Let your infielders make the plays for you next time.

Coming home to read this about Gallardo is like coming home and finding your wife fucking your annoying and anal retentive boss. It's that bad.

Quentin is too legit to quit right now

One of the most rewarding parts of fantasy baseball; if not the most rewarding part of all, is finding that one player off the waiver wire who comes in and really tears it up. Forseeing a future for that player before anyone else in the league does, or if you're really good--anyone else in any league.

I'll tell you what; as much as I'm kicking my own ass for cutting Cliff Lee in favor of Brian Bannister at this point (4-0, 0.28 ERA, .103 BA against), Carlos Quentin has been a real song of joy for me.

People forget about Quentin quickly and easily. He's only 25 years old, so he is still right in line to be the young superstar of the ChiSox if he breaks out this year. He's hitting .300 with 7 home runs this month (he's also been plunked 6 times on the year, a league leading stat at this point). The thing is he was supposed to do this. He was drafted high, has the body of Adonis, and was the #1 rated prospect in the Dbacks minor league system a few years ago before he got hurt.

Glad he's part of my bunch.

I'd love to call him Cano, but for now he's just Robinson Crusoe

I paid dearly for Robinson Crusoe. I drafted him high and all I heard from my friends that were Yankee fans was how huge of a season he was going to have. I fully planned on him hitting .340 and anchoring my fantasy team, weathering the tough times with his presence.

At night's end, Crusoe will be still riding the Interstate for the season; and although it's early until he proves otherwise--he will be known as Robinson 'Crusoe' Cano. He's got to do something to get rid of that one.

He is my favorite Yankee, in defense of him. He's like the Arnold Palmer. He quietly signifies class in the highest levels and merit. Still, this sunmabitch has got to start hitting.

Goodbye, Sweet Prince

For the first time since 2005, a fantasy team of mine doesn't have Grady Sizemore

Tonight I made the biggest deal I've made in the past half-decade in fantasy baseball. I am stocked full of closers like Francisco Rodriguez, George Sherrill, Trevor Hoffman, Kevin Gregg, and Brian Wilson. I have only 1 healthy starting pitcher, Fausto Carmona. I have Yovani Gallardo and Francisco Liriano on the DL. Seeing my pitching stats fall behind such as K's, Wins, and ERA and WHIP fall by the wayside had me in a panic mode. Tonight I pulled the trigger on a deal that will pay big dividends for someone.

I shipped Jonathan Papelbon and the great Grady Sizemore to another team in my keeper league for Justin Upton and Josh Beckett. Sizemore is a player I hold near and dear to my heart, but there was no other way. I've had Sizemore since claiming him off waivers in 2005 when he got red hot down the stretch run for the Tribe and scored nearly 120 runs. I know all too well that he may be going 30-30 this season and hit near .300, while playing in nearly every game.

I also remember when a young player took the league by storm early in his career and hasn't stopped since 2001. His name was Albert Pujols. This deal was heavily made because I believe that Upton can transform into a 30 HR guy while stealing 30 bases right now. I think (and God do I hope) that by year's end, he's going to be among the household names of fantasy baseball. I also add a starting pitcher that hopefully can bolster my staff and not force me to punt those pitching statistics I mentioned earlier.

Parting with Sizemore is the toughest decision I've made as a fantasy baseball manager yet, but I finished in 6th place last year with Grady Sizemore; I can finish 6th again without him.

I credit ESPN for their humor on this one

I gotta give it to ESPN. Not only was I able to find this commercial on YouTube, but they really do put together a pretty funny commercial here. I've been ranting and raving about this quote for a long time now.

It's at the :36 mark. It's good shit.

'My WIFE.....'

The Reasoning Behind My Fantasy Team Name: Pink Veal

We've made it no secret here that we're huge fans of the epic drama film, Casino. The movie is great because it applies so much to everyday life. We also are huge fans of the star of the whole damn show: Nicky Santoro.

In that movie, Nicky is a scheming, backstabbing, knee cap-crackin' little fuck. He'll do what he has to do to get to the top. We admire that about him. The world would be a lot better place if every one of us had a little more Nicky inside us.

In the movie a happily-married Nicky Santoro is seen escorting a showgirl out of the casino and into the passenger side of his Cadillac. As he's getting in you hear him rambling on and on about Godknowswhat. Then all the sudden they're in the car getting ready to fool around and he says "Pink Veal. You can pound that shit for days and days and it'll never get tender". A moment later the showgirl is won over by the quote and proceeds to go down on and blow Nicky on the spot. The Pink Veal line had her hooked in.

My buddies and I really took a liking to that quote. We don't really know why. Something about an under-sized Italian man saying what he has to say; and doing what he has to do to both get ahead, and to get head--was comical to us.

Nicky, I play this fantasy baseball season in your honor. We will make you proud.

My Fantasy Baseball Draft Pt. I

The fantasy baseball draft for any baseball fan is the un-official kick off for any baseball geek die-hard's season. Although there is snow on the ground here in Ohio, it reminds me of times around Spring Break, Roto-magazines, the March Madness tournament, and that spring is just around the corner. It won't be long until the crack of the bat and the smell of mustard at the stadium are fixtures in my our lives again.

-I had the 4th overall selection in this year's draft. I took Prince Fielder (who I learned is now a vegetarian) over Albert Pujols. Gigantosaur, please forgive me and don't make me pay for that.

-I think I got value picks out of guys like Fausto Carmona, J.J. Hardy, Rickie Weeks, Dontrelle Willis and Kevin Youkilis. Those guys seemed to be on the board later than they should have been.

-I went a bit 'homer' once again. This is my biggest downfall as a fantasy baseball player. Every year, I swear I will take best player available and every year I somehow wind up with Adam Dunn, Grady Sizemore, and various other Cincinnati and Cleveland players. (It paid off last year with Brandon Phillips, though).

-These year's 'homer' picks disguised as sleepers were Homer Bailey and Jay Bruce, and of course Dunn.

-Finally I've had someone un-seat Dunn as my fantasy team captain. This is a time-honored tradition I do every year; to make sure those I'm playing with know I'm especially a goober. This year is no different. It started out as a joke and now I feel naked without doing it. Prince Fielder, Captain of 'Pink Veal'. Co-Captain: Grady Sizemore. Secretary of state (3rd in command): Adam Dunn.

-Editor George went on a limb and predicted that Miguel Tejada would be this year's Fantasy League Whore. I really liked that prediction.

My overall draft went like this:


1.(4) Prince Fielder
2.(17) Grady Sizemore
3.(24)Mark Teixeira
4.(37) Josh Beckett
5.(44) Adam Dunn
6.(57) Joe Mauer
7.(64) John Smoltz
8.(77) Félix Hernández
9.(84) Jason Bay
10.(97) Fausto Carmona
11.(104) Rickie Weeks
12.(117) Adrián Béltre
13.(124) J.J. Hardy
14.(137) Joe Borowski
15.(144) Kevin Youkilis
16.(157) Jay Bruce
17.(164) Homer Bailey
18.(177) Kevin Gregg
19.(184) Dontrelle Willis
20.(197) Michael Bourn
21.(204) Adam Wainwright
22.(217)Asdrubal Cabrera

-If you're wondering why I took Teixera where I did; I went with the guy with the chance to put up the biggest power numbers on the board. I didn't wanna go impact pitcher too early, and I wanted to stockpile the offense.

My first fantasy baseball trade of the season

Well here goes Hoggers, let me know what you think of this deal I just pulled off saturday night. I think I definitely got the better of the deal, seeing as how I was looking for good starting pitching and I didn't want to compromise too much hitting in the process.

Legendary Hillbillys III (me) got:

Justin Verlander, Detroit
Jered Weaver, Anaheim

Rabbid Weinerdogs (opponent) got:

Chipper Jones, Atlanta
Chad Cordero, Washington

My thinking is that I lose out on Chipper Jones, who is having a fine season. Chipper is pretty injury prone and could be one small step from missing major time. My team can already mash. I need to pick up some major pitching statistics and that is what I acquired. I also give up some saves, which I am in 2nd with comfortably ahead and still owning David Weathers, Mariano Rivera, Todd Jones and Takashi Saito to keep my head above water in that category.

I now have a starting pitching staff of Verlander, Jered Weaver, Homer Bailey, Carlos Zambrano, Jeremy Guthrie, A.J. Burnett and Chien-Ming Wang. That is a pretty nasty staff I've compiled when you account that I originally started with just Zambrano, Wang, and Chris Carpenter. If only Carpenter hadn't have screwed me and would have actually given me something.

So what do you think Hoggers and fantasy buffs? Was it a good trade for me, or a great trade?

The fantasy baseball injury-gout

You all probably remember my last rant about my fantasy baseball team; and if you don't it's cool it wasn't really worth the time it took to bitch about it. I'm here today to talk about why my team has implanted themsleves into 8th place like an ass-splinter from a teeter totter that needs re-finished in the back yard.

Now if you'll think back, or just click this hyperlink back to when I drafted this group of talented but over-the-hill stiffs, I said although I drafted well I knew that I had a group that was older and going to have a very hard time staying healthy.

Also if you would have told me that Ken Griffey Jr. would be healthy and playing like he was 26 30 again--but that Joe Mauer would be hurt and missing time, I would have said you're fucking potsa-lagots (that's Italian for crazy). Of course, in fantasy baseball nothing is as it seems. Down is up and up is down and that is the way the wind blows.

There is a shithead, New Yorker, loud mouth, overbearing fucktard in my fantasy league that likes the Mets. He's a dickwad. He tries to tell me I don't know dick about fantasy baseball. I think he should go fuck himself and here's the biggest reason(s) why:

Chris Carpenter.

Joe Mauer.

Josh Hamilton.

Akinori Iwamura.

Chipper Jones.

Shawn Green.

Hell even Takashi Saito has got a little bit of that ill now. You try and compete when half your fucking crew is on the shelf for some bullshit and bogus injury. I'm using filler talent like John Buck and Geoff Jenkins to get it done. I still don't have any starting pitching but if I just had some health, this team would be raking more then any team in the league and I still like my chances in the second half of the season to pickup and find some starters to get my K's, ERA, WHIP and Wins back to respectable and mid-league numbers.

Speaking of my starting pitching, I had to cut Ted Lilly, the dirtball (more on that someday) loose. I was afraid he was going to give some of my other starters the crabs he got in Toronto. I also was sick of looking at his 5 year old head on his 30 year old body. I just can't have that on my squad.

Thanks for listening Hoggers.

I finally gave in, and said 'fuck it'

My offense in fantasy baseball has been phenomenal thus far. They've done far more, with far less than any team in my 10 team roto-league. I expect them to hang in there and do the job, and end up winning some of the tough categories offensively. The only thing seperating me from being a top-3 team in our fantasy league is my pitching staff, namely the lack of starting pitching that I have.

I didn't think I would have to worry about starting pitching this season, that's why I paid the high price for this guy, Chris Carpenter-and took him insanely early in the draft. I figured I was getting a Cy Young type guy who would bolster my staff and hold down the fort all year long for me. I didn't mind paying the high price and passing over proven sluggers that would offer 40 homeruns and a .300+ average.

That is all a mirage now. With the recent anouncement that Chris Carpenter will miss 3 more months, and that at best he'll give a fantasy owner 6 weeks of baseball (even if he recovers from arm surgery), well that wasn't enough to keep him around. This morning, instead of clogging up the DL spot and hanging onto hope as I've done the first month and 1 week of baseball with 'Carp, I just cut his ass. I cut ties and I'm going to deal with my loss. Someone else can pick him up and hold out false hope, it's not going to be me anymore, no it's not.

That leaves me with a staff of Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly (the dirtball), Mark Buerhle, and Chien Ming Wang. I'm going to also have to cut ties with another hitter on my team to pick up some kind of pitching and possibly another closer to pick up yet another starter to try and make up the difference in ERA, Wins, K's, and WHIP that is the cause of me losing right now (6th place out of 10 teams) in my league. The problem also is, while I stocked up in closers to begin the season, I'm only defeating the next highest save team by a few saves, making it tough to concede that position that I'm winning to go and get a starter.

I'm thinking I need to trade a closer for a good, solid starter. Where my problem lies is that I might wait too long to do it. I need starts now, and as many as possible. Chances are, highly due to the Carpenter debacle that may cost me this league, that at the end of the season I'm going to have to cut all my closers, and just throw any Johnny-come-lately brutal in there that is starting on a random day to give me starters stats. I must weather the storm and from now on, Chris Carpenter's name shall not be mentioned by me on this publication.

But I thought Todd Helton could only hit at Coors?

Today the Colorado Rockies capped off a series finale matinee at Shea Stadium with an 11-5 victory. The Rockies hit starter and young Mets phenom Mike Pelfrey very hard in the outing, rebounding them from a 12-inning lost last night that saw Mets outfielder Endy Chavez (quietly hitting over .400) win the game with a walk-off sac squeeze bunt.

On the day, Todd Helton of Legendary Hillbillys III fame got 4 hits, drove in 3 and scored 2 runs. That's good for business. Know what else is good for business? Shawn Green got 2 hits and drove in 3 of the Mets runs. What isn't good for business? Carlos Delgado is hitting below .200 now, taking the 0-fer on the day again. Hit your weight Delgado. That's all I ask at this point. It's pathetic but I'm not expecting much more.

Another star of the game was John Mabry, who has essentially played for every national league team. Mabry homered and drove in 4 runs on the day.

My fantasy team: sucks ass

You might easily remember the night I drafted my fantasy baseball team, the Legendary Hillbillys III. Right now, this group of scum is wedged deep in the throat of last place in my league like a piece of steak that was too fatty to chew up. You swallow it whole hoping it will go down but then it's a bad idea because your windpipe can't take it down. You spit club soda all over the dinner table in a nice restaurant and your date laughs at you for being such a clusterfuck sideshow.

I am the commish of this league (and a crooked one at that). I shouldn't be losing like this. I sit and I plot, day in and day out. Here's what isn't going the way I planned it thus far:

The ESPN Fantasy baseball re-set: Everything was going fine until this shit. I was in 5th or 4th place at worst. I had made great pickups. I was coasting in hitting categories with my additions. I had a lock down on the saves category. Things just felt better. Fuck off ESPN fantasy league. And no I don't want your free 'fantasy' bullshit insider. Rip off dicks.

Adam Dunn: Yeah, let me start with you Dunn. You have another awesome spring. You hit for average and tell us all you're re-dedicated to this game. You're basically playing for a contract, a $13 million dollar option year is up after this year, so I figure you wanna cash in big. You start opening day with 2 monster homeruns off the guy I picked to be NL Cy Young. Since then you've managed to strike out 27 times. 27 fucking times Dunn. I went against the little angel on my left shoulder and listened to the devil on my right, who told me to give you just one more year. This would be the year that you hit .270 with 50 bombs and 125 RBI. You even steal a few bases early to think I'm getting a bonus for nabbing you as late as I did. You have the ability to make me look like a genuis. You're a leader on this squad. I expect you to lead. So....stop striking out like it's a fucking plague, and start launching fucking homeruns that resemble parabola's into the stands night after night. Damn you, can't you see what you're doing to me? You're ruining my life, and I've given so much to you.

Chris Carpenter: 2nd or 3rd overall pick in my draft. Opening night; gets tits ripped by Mets on national television. Makes everyone who knows I picked him and declared him "Cy Young of the present day" tell me I'm a fuckhead. After that he preceeds to go on the DL with bone chips and spurs in the elbow. Thanks for saying something before now, asswipe.

Chien-Ming Wang: Immediately after picking him, I am informed he suffered a nice injury and he's probably heading to the DL. This one's on me. I didn't do my homework, and I got shit on. That's fair, but he returns to get hit pretty good by the Devil Rays, and what do you know, I'm still stuck on 2 wins as a squad. One from a reliever.

Mariano Rivera: Lets see, oh yes, Mariano. Have a seat. With closers, you don't draft them high unless they're elite right? I'd say he's pretty fucking close to what I'd refer to as an 'elite' closer. Yep, pretty elite. Well he's thrown 6.1 innings, mixed in a 7.11 ERA and blown a few saves. All that coupled with the fact that he's not successfully gotten a save yet, which is kind of like, his job, and you've got a complete bust. The Yankees look to be shitty and like to blow leads, so this could be the 'decline' year Mariano. Lucky me to get him during these troubling times. Still, if you would have told me that he'd go through all of April with no saves, I'd have told you that you need to stop sniffing the glue and eating your own dander.

Ken Griffey Jr.: His pussy hurts. What else is new. I got him very late in the draft, still he didn't hit any homeruns and then missed 4 days being 'sick', and didn't address why-so I cut his ass. He's somewhere in the free agent pool now. As soon as he comes back, homerun. Suhweet, fucking suhweet. Once again, this one is on me. I should have known better. He is DONE. And no I don't give a shit that he's very nice to me and my fiance when we go to the ballpark.

Carlos Zambrano: Another guy I'd like to kick right in his latino dick. I picked him to be the Cy Young winner in the NL. I figure with him, Carpenter, and Wang I've got 3 guys who could win 20 games easy. Due to this I took 3 starters to begin the season, and all the rest closers. My thinking was I know how good I am at getting the hot players, so I'd find some scab starters late season to pick up in the other categories. Zambrano has yielded me one win, and all the rest of his 4 or 5 starts have concluded with meltdowns, from the vast to the small, still fucking meltdowns. Not a double digit strikeout performance yet. Still, you really chap my ass Carlos. You're fuckin' me. You know it.

Dustin Hermanson: wasted draft pick. Anounced and anointed as the 'closer' of the Cincinnati Reds one day, cut by the team the next. Thanks.

Milton Bradley: Contract year. He's going to have a big year. Hurt. Cut. Done and done.

Geoff Jenkins/Coco Crisp/Ryan Church: All three of you fuckers can see the brush. Exit stage left, cum wrags. After I cut Bradley, all three of these failed to fill the role of 5th outfielder. Currently, Shawn Green is filling the position, but he's a fantasy league cumstain and fantasy league whore. The chances of me putting up with his skinny, frail, over the hill ass are slim. Keep it up Shawn! 2 for 3 last night baby!

Eric Chavez: One homerun, .267 average. It wasn't long ago you were like, considered elite. Thanks for being so ordinary. 'Chavy' as he's unaffectionately known as now, belongs in the middle of the order in any lineup about as much as I belong at a free throw shooting contest. Hedge your bets!

Joe Mauer: He's hitting .391 with 17 runs, so why is he on this list. Well, it seems Joe is using all his power putting the hurt on that pretty little model's ass he's been dating. Drop your cock, grab your bat, and start hitting homeruns. Maybe if you weren't up all night fucking, you'd have some more drive in your legs to get those warning track flies over the fence. I don't care if it hurts because you need to relieve yourself Joe. I need more power out of you! You're the franchise dude, the future!

Carlos Delgado: I was talking you up like you were some kind of fucking greek god before the season started. Wind you up, you hit 40 homers, drive in 100, and hit near .300, right? Oh what's that? You decide you're going to give me ulcers and hit fucking .203 with one measly meaningless homer, and a couple RBI's? You're lucky I don't know where you get your rice and beans dinner, chachi. I'd be putting visine in that shit.

I think that covers it. Last night before bed I was whining to the wifey about what these guys are putting me through, and how I don't understand how I can still fail, afterall, it's my life. She made me feel better and made a good point. "It's still early on," she's right.

Indians 7, Twins 4- 12 innings

This was definitely the game of the night and the game I spent my evening watching. Victor Martinez hit a huge and mammoth homerun, and Travis Hafner collected 4 base hits. Ryan Garko got the game winning hit for the second game in a row, giving the Indians the victory over the first place Twins in 12 innings.

What really chapped my ass? Grady Sizemore and Johnny Peralta combined to go 0 for 11, which took my fantasy baseball team from like a .343 average on the night to a cozy .250something. Thanks.

Also, another thought that entered my head was about Joe Mauer. The guy is a great hitter. He's a LOCK for .300, but where is the power? The guy is soon to go a month with no homeruns. Come on Joe, you gotta get on the board for me, you were like my 3rd pick bro. Get it going a bit. The Legendary Hillbillys III need you.

Box Score

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Early this morning, I cut the rope of which at the other end, Armando Benitez's fat ass was hanging. Of course I'm talking about fantasy baseball, and I consider this my first groundbreaking move of the season, if you can call it that. You see, I made some moves that I am never going to make again in fantasy baseball at the season's beginning (compounded by the fact that Chris Carpenter and Chien Ming Wang are the two starters I drafted and they're hurt). I took a shitload of closers in an attempt to win the Saves (which I am), ERA, and WHIP categories.

The problem is, closers pitch less innings, and while that can be in an advantage if they're all having seasons like what Todd Jones (whom I got off the waiver wire) is having, then that is a good thing, you'll win those categories. But when several of them are throwing up sub 6.00 and 7.00 fucking ERA's to start the season, well with such a small sample size you're going to get ass raped, and find yourself trying to climb out of the basement like I am right now. It's alright. Help is on the way.

I picked up well known baseball dumpster-dick Ted Lilly. He's been one of the most commanding left handers in the National League since coming over from Toronto. Who the fuck am I kidding? The guy is mediocre, overpaid, and he's had two outings against a slumping Reds team in bad weather. It's simply a matter of time until his shit gets sprayed all over windy Wrigley field. He was simply the best available when I pushed the panic button.

So I dropped Mr. Benitez, who happens to be twins with Jorge Julio! Just look at that resemblance! I've always thought that. My thinking is, that seriously, Benitez is a shit-dick waiting to happen. The Giants aren't very good, and he'll get the least amount of save opportunities of all my closers (it was a toss-up between he and Solomon Torres of the Pirates).

So I'm going to sit back, relax, use Benitez's old locker as a revolving door for any starter out there who I have a gut feeling that is hot, and probably watch Armando now win NL Comeback player of the year, since every player I've dropped in the past shits golden eggs. Yes, last year I dropped Justin Morneau early, and I had a feeling it would come back to bite me in the ass. One AL MVP award later, Morneau says "Sucks Bitch".

'ESPN Fantasy Baseball -- Reset Complete, Game Back On Track‎'

This morning, this jingo-istic email came to me from ESPN Fantasy Games, declaring their giant clusterfuck has been solved! As if it didn't totally fuck the league I am the commish of and everyone else. If you are playing ESPN fantasy baseball, and you take it as serious as the guys I play with do, this has really thrown a wrench into your fucking bicycle spokes. Assholes:

To our ESPN Fantasy Baseball players, As of this morning, we have completed
the reset of ESPN's Fantasy Baseball Game and regular game play can
resume.

Again, we are genuinely sorry for the frustration you have experienced in
the beginning of this season, and we have taken the necessary steps to ensure
that you and your league can continue playing ESPN Fantasy Baseball without
issue moving forward.

For information on the changes that were made, how they affect you, and
what we are doing for you in appreciation of your patience and understanding please read
our letter that outlines the specific actions taken. We have also provided
an FAQ that may help answer some more of your questions.

Additionally, ESPN's Talented Mr. Roto, Matthew Berry, will conduct his
regular SportsNation chats today at 11 AM ET and 3 PM ET to address any
questions and provide direction and strategy about how to get your league on
track for the remainder of the season.

Furthermore, we pledge to you - our players - that throughout the season
and beyond we will redouble our efforts to earn back your good faith in our
games. If you have further questions, please do not hesitate to contact our
customer service center at 1-888-549-ESPN or baseball@fantasygames.go.com.

We deeply regret having this disappointing start to the season, look
forward to making the rest of the season a great one for you and cannot thank
you enough for your patience.

John Kosner, senior vice president, ESPN.com & the entire ESPN.com
Fantasy Team

Actually, the game isn't 'back to normal' Mr. Kosner. If you had a real job you'd be fucking fired and shitcanned about 16 times by now. You'd be pink slipped and searcing CareerBuilder.com for a new, real job that we all have instead of writing me unsincere, apologetic emails, with unfulfilling prophecies that will never happen such as 'Free ESPN Insider' (how the hell do we get that pal?) and 'Free Fantasy Football Prize Leagues' (which basically just ensures you'll give away shitty prizes now so ESPN isn't out any real loot).

Basically all you guys did was clusterfuck shoot an entire program in the foot. Right before the little roster revision that screwed an entire week + of the baseball season, our league was working fine. There were no problems. WHY did you have to reset the rosters? Explain that to be Mr. Kosner, you asshat. You're damn right I'm pissed. The worst part in all this is you make innocent guys like me look like the asshole in this. I have to go to my league this morning, and clean up your mess. For instance:

I told all the guys in my league--that to attempt some kind of normalcy to our league that has been blown up by the failed techie-heads at ESPN, I will award any player that they had picked up off waivers previously to their team with my 'league manager powers'. I told them that if they were tempted and picked up a player that was not theirs I would award that player not only to the correct team, but I would punish the thief by dropping their first round pick to waivers as well. What does that do? It makes me look like the prick in the operation, because of your shitting the bed, ESPN fantasy games. We don't want your apologies or your petty prizes that will not ever really happen. We want blood. We want you to tell us all to go play at CBS Sportsline, or Yahoo, where people do their jobs. At those venues, nothing remotely this bad, would ever happen. You see, playing fantasy games there is likeable to living in a nice rural neighborhood with no crime. You go to sleep at night with your doors unlocked, and come morning your shit will still be there. At ESPN fantasy games from now on, I can lock all my doors, set the alarm, take all the precautions, but when I rest my head on the pillow each night (scared), I'm still going to feel like my wife is going to get ass-raped, and my living room television is safe from no one and will end up in a pawn shop (or on the waiver wire) the next day.

I know it's a bit drastic but the best thing for all of us is if you just make one of those crafty little 'ESPN fantasy game anouncement' text boxes and write how much you suck everyday, and edit it for us to laugh at. Be our clowns, that we can throw tomatoes at and laugh at. You are here for our amusement. That would be worth more to me then free ESPN insider, which probably has more loopholes then a free trip to Vegas after listening to a man selling condominiums for two hours. "NO catch, we swear" and then in the fine print you have to go to Vegas during the week, during leap years, on days where there is a forecast of rain.

Let us know how ESPN has screwed your fantasy league, so we can happily be mad fantasy nerd trolls that everyone stereotypes us as even more. Oh how we'd love to not have a real job so we could spend 4 hours ripping 'Mr. Roto' in his chat session today.

Read More: Deadspin- ESPN pushes the self destruct fantasy button

A fantasy gem in the rough

Today I believe I made a serious big time addition to my fantasy team. While I was patroling the scrap heap free agent wire, I looked at players that have started the season hitting well with the highest averages in baseball. I was shocked to find Mr. 9 for 17 Akinori Iwamura sitting and waiting for a home. This is absolutely huge, do to the fact that that other night I was sitting on the couch watching after his 4 for 4 performance at the similarities between this guy and Ichiro Suzuki. Do I think he will go on to have the type of season and career that has made Ichiro a legend, not really. Do I believe he can hit .300 and start all year for my fantasy team? Absolutely.

I think this guy is going to be the addition that makes Chipper Jones expendable. In fact, Chipper is on the block as we speak. Now if I could just find an adequate replacement for Coco Crisp, and no, Geoff Jenkins is not adequate. He has nothing to offer besides looking like a DNA duplicate of Brett Favre.

As I said when fantasy baseball started, winning takes more than a good draft. It's a third how you draft, a third the luck you have with guys delivering what they're supposed to and staying healthy, and a third (maybe the most important) whoever picks up the best players from the waiver/free agency wire. So far, I've landed Tom Glavine and now Mr. Iwamura. I'm pretty happy with my new addition to the Legendary Hillbilly's III, so Mr. Iwamura, our captain Mr. Dunn will show you to your locker here in our clubhouse, take a walk around and get to know the guys. Afterall, they're your new teammates. I run a tight ship, so stay in shape and play hard for me, alright? Make yourself at home, and be ready to play--you've got a game tonight son.

Introducing the Legendary Hillbillys III

Catcher: Joe Mauer
1st base: Carlos Delgado
2nd base: Brandon Phillips
3rd base: Chipper Jones
Shortstop: Stephen Drew/Jhonny Peralta
Outfield: Grady Sizemore, Adam Dunn, Coco Crisp, Ken Griffey Jr., Milton Bradley
Corner Infielder: Eric Chavez
2B/SS: Jeff Kent
Utility: Todd Helton

Starting Pitchers: Chris Carpenter, Carlos Zambrano, Chien-Ming Wang
Closers: Mariano Rivera, Chad Cordero, Takashi Saito, Armando Benitez, Dustin Hermanson

Analysis: I don't know how I feel about this team. I want to fall in love with my picks but if anything I feel like there is a bit too much age and fading stars filling my fantasy roster this spring. While I landed guys that I really like who are sure to be stars in this keeper league for years to come (Sizemore, Stephen Drew, Mauer, Zambrano), I just feel a little uncomfortable with some of the picks overall, where as in years past draft night I looked at the roster and felt like I had the winning team. Maybe it is a good thing that I don't feel that way, because I haven't won my league or finished in the top 3 for that matter since 2002.

I got my guy Grady Sizemore (and Dunn as well) with the 3rd overall pick in the draft. It went Pujols, Ryan Howard, Sizemore. Surprisingly Johann Santana who I wanted no part of went 7th to my uncle and cousin Joe's team. I went on to get Carpenter, Mauer, Delgado, Rivera, and Zambrano from there.

When talking about age, I feel like I picked an All-Star team from 5 years ago, if that. Griffey, Helton, Kent, Benitez, Delgado, Chipper Jones, Hermanson, even Rivera and Carpenter who are established stars, are older. All of those guys are in the mid 30's at least, and at least one of them if not more is sure to sustain an injury.

I am at my best at fantasy baseball when it comes to picking up a hot player before the rest of the league does. I think I am as good at having that 'gut' intuition as there can be a fantasy baseball owner. I'm going to need it likely with this plethora of retirees in my lineup.

In years past, I have went for all homeruns and RBI, just raw power early and often in the draft. I have not had success with that theory, so I switched it up this season. I thought this would be the year that I didn't pick my captain Adam Dunn. Then Dunn turned it up with a big, big spring and that coupled with the fact that he is in his contract year basically (playing for a $13 million option next season), and I had to give him one more year because I believe in the guy. I have a nice mix of speed and power, and unlike years past, I've got some good arms as pitchers and not just guys I'm picking up off the waiver wire every night.

With no mega stolen base stud, I've got plenty of guys who I think will offer a decent amount of steals. Sizemore, my boy Brandon Phillips, Coco Crisp, Stephen Drew, Milton Bradley and Chipper Jones all offer some steals. I wanted Ryan Freel badly but he was nabbed just before I got to take the little smurf.

Oh I'm going to win it. There is no doubt in that. However, we're going to have to work hard to do it this year. Legendary Hillbillys III will be a team to remember one way or another.

• Read more: Our League Draft Recap

Draft Day for the Diamond Hoggers

The big day has arrived. As I write this little entry, I've got in a giant hogger, and I'm thinking over my picks. I haven't studied up for my draft nearly enough, and I expect more than usual improvisation on my part tonight. You just kind of see what is left on the board and draft by need. Some things will change because this is known as a keeper league. Keeper is defined as a term used to refer to the status of a person that one is dating being worth marrying. Well it's kind of like that in fantasy baseball. Three of these guys, I'll be married to for the next couple fantasy baseball seasons. It is essential that I get the guys I truly want.

Now while I'd love to divulge some of my sleepers and the guys I'll be grabbing in the early going, I can't do that. I don't want George to swoop in like a hawk and snatch anyone out from under my nose. They're mine. When it comes to fantasy baseball, I'm a greedy prick. I will say this, it's not too hard to figure out who my 'must haves' are.

Like it or not, our readers will probably be hearing a lot more then they'd like about our fantasy squads. As I told young George, the Fantasy Baseball Draft is a time honored tradition. A fantasy baseball championship is a great honor, one by the few, the proud, and the lucky. It signifies class in the highest levels. Men who win Fantasy Baseball League Championships go on to do incredible things in life. They're more successful people. If you can manage a fantasy baseball team with the variable personalities on it, you can successfully run a business, a fortune 500 company, or perhaps a Dairy Queen.

I'm more interested in finding the sleeper than I am our country hunting down the Al-Queda. I've been in this game since 1999, spending long summer days in between my whack-off sessions making changes to my fantasy lineup, having that 'gut' feeling that represents a guy about to go 4 for 4 or knowing that Dave Burba is going to give you a quality start so you pick him up off the waiver wire and throw his burly ass in there.

I cannot help but think of the men that were valuable contributions to my fantasy baseball success. I think of the men that came in and helped me win my one and only Fantasy Baseball Championship back in 2002. I think of the men of the future that will help me build the dynasties that withstand the tests of time on my ESPN profile. I think back to fallen heroes that failed to bring me long awaited glory. I also think back over the years to the good memories of certain Major Leaguers that held that special honor in our leagues. The guys who myself and other members took turns on, double and triple teaming, passing around like a little slut, one after another. These players became known as 'Fantasy League Whores'. Turn one trick and when you're done and all used up, get released and picked up only to be used like the little slut whore you are again, you cum dumpster.

The Biggest Fantasy League Whore of them all, Mad Dog.

So hang on, enjoy the ride, and expect some great material from the draft tonight, and more of the same outstanding Diamond Hoggers coverage that makes us the most intriguing baseball blog on the internet. Stick around, because you just might learn something. Like how to waste precious moments of your life pretending you're a big league manager, and doing unimportant shit like editing your lineup and then writing on a blog about it. Pretty soon, your life is reduced to shit, you're homeless. No one likes you and money is tight. But none of that matters because you were tops in your league in saves. That's what dreams are made of, in fantasy baseball.